Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about relationships and how to tell if one is in an unhealthy relationship. I thought about this, because being able to discern that is fairly important since once you know, you discern how unhealthy it is and either repair it – if the other person is willing to help repair it – or end it.
My last relationship started out healthy, at least in my perspective, for both of us felt accepted and were able to maintain friendships outside of our relationship. We communicated our thoughts, emotions, desires, needs, and wants quite well at first, and we were honest with each other. Our self-esteem did not rely on each other, nor did my happiness rely on her. However, our levels of togetherness was out of balance because it was long distance. This placed some stress on our relationship. Other stressors appeared due to various situations and a slow breakdown in communication, which unbalanced our relationship greatly. It is when these types of situations arise and the relationship becomes unbalanced that it is important for the two people involved to be able to achieve balance again. Without this skill, the relationship cannot return to its healthy balanced state and may become more and more askew, where unhealthy characteristics may appear. Communication, honesty, trust, love, empathy, acceptance, and reciprocation are all necessary ingredients to help nourish and maintain a healthy relationship.
Here are some general characteristics for both healthy and unhealthy relationships:
In a Healthy relationship:
- * Each person feels responsible for his/her own happiness.
- * Each person is responsible for his/her self-esteem.
- * Togetherness and separateness are balanced.
- * Relationships are established and maintained outside the partnership.
- * Each person communicates effectively: open, honest, assertive, clear, being willing to listen.
- * The opportunity exists for support and growth – for each person and the couple.
- * Finds commitment acceptable.
- * Accepting each other.
- * Each person has established healthy, comfortable limits or boundaries.
- * A willingness to recognize when the relationship is changing.
- * Brings out the best qualities of both people.
- * Each person feels the freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted.
- * Accepts endings. (Realizes life will go on if you break-up.)
- * Achieves intimacy without use of chemicals.
- * Each person feels like an individual.
In an Unhealthy relationship:
- * One or both partners rely on the other partner for their happiness.
- * One or both partners rely on the other for their self-esteem.
- * Levels of togetherness are out of balance. (One of the big reasons long-distance relationships are a very bad idea.)
- * There is an inability to establish and maintain relationships with others.
- * One or both partners are unable to communicate effectively: being passive or aggressive, beating around the bush, unwilling to listen, avoidance
- * Lack of opportunity for individual and/or relationship growth.
- * Attachment, addiction, or lack of commitment.
- * Tries to change the other person.
- * Limits and boundaries are poorly established.
- * The illusion that the relationship will always be the same.
- * Brings out the worst qualities of both people.
- * One or both partners feel unable to express needs or desires.
- * Unable to let go.
- * Uses alcohol/drugs to reduce inhibitions, create false sense of intimacy.
Like I said before, not all relationships will be one hundred percent healthy or one hundred percent unhealthy all of the time. Relationships are a delicate work in progress, a balancing act, but as long as the relationship has communication, love, empathy, honesty, trust, acceptance, and reciprocation, it becomes a lot easier to maintain balance and keep the relationship healthy.
Emotions are not mis-firing neural networks, nor are they part of our imagination. Emotions serve a much larger role, and this role is to connect the body, mind, and spirit. The purpose of emotions is to alert us to what is happening in our environment; it also alerts us to what is happening in a deeper, less “accepted” region of the psyche. Negative emotions in particular are large indicators that something is askew; however, people often react to negative emotions by shaming these emotions, by trying to shove them aside and hide from them. You can work with negative emotions, and when you work with them and understand the message behind these emotions, they dissipate on their own.
How do you work with negative emotions? This is a much harder question to address. First you need to understand what exactly emotions are and the role they play in your body, mind, and soul. As a connector to each, emotions have a very intense impact on an individual. Often, the person will feel frightened by the emotions, troubled by them, and wish to avoid their implications. However, avoidance of emotions is extremely unhealthy. When emotions are not tended to, they build up into a complex storm, making it extremely hard to decipher and dissipate.
Dr. Peter Savory, a psychologist at Yale, coined the term Emotion Intelligence. This term focuses on four cognitive skills:
Now lately, society has misunderstood this term as being related to intuition. This is not quite correct, because these cognitive skills can be learned over time. This short article explains how the general public has a slightly misguided view on this idea: Emotional Ignorance. The point here is that managing your emotions and understanding your emotions isn’t an intuitive – you either have it or don’t – gift. You can learn techniques that will greatly increase your ability to identify, understand, apply, regulate, and manage your emotions properly.
The hardest part is identifying your emotions. This is where some people start to avoid emotions, especially negative emotions, because identifying them makes them more real. However, hiding away an emotion only adds a layer of shame and fear to the already negative emotion, causing the maelstrom to grow, which, of course, makes it harder to decipher. There is a multitude of techniques involved in identifying emotions. One way is try to isolate the emotion and seek its message – this can be done through therapy or meditation or even guided imagery. For example, the emotion of anger – from what does this emotion stem? What area of your life is causing this anger? Is the anger situated on an outside event? Or an action you did? Or an action your friend/partner/family member/stranger did? Sometimes you may not be able to fully find the source of the anger or any other negative emotion, because the action or event may be so deeply buried in you that it is hard to retrieve; in such cases, it may be best to seek therapy. A therapist has methods that can help a person identify and manage a particular emotion, especially if the negative emotion is harshly impacting your life.
Once you obtain the message inherent in the emotion, you can then move forward and seek to understand and manage that emotion. Understanding the emotion is the key to managing it, for without a proper understanding of why you feel the way you do, it makes it harder to create a battle plan on easing this emotion and finding a peaceful equilibrium in your spirit again.
I won’t go into details with techniques, because I don’t know them all. However, I can say this: breathing deeply is one of the most valuable and necessary reactions to any extreme emotion. Breathing deeply helps calm the body, slows down the fight or flight response, so that you have a better chance of thinking clearly – clearly enough to identify that emotion and manage it properly. This skill can be learned, and although some people may be better at it than others, it is not impossible to learn.
Another important point is how you react and deal with the emotions of other people. Identifying if the negative emotion stems from yourself or is a reflection from someone else is also helpful in determining a way to react in a healthy manner. Here is an insightful article in regards to this: Disengaging from others’ negative emotions.
I, myself, am still practicing these four skills: identifying, understanding, using, and managing emotions. I may be good in some areas in regards to emotions, but in order to be a truly person, I need to be able to do reasonably well in all of the skills. It is perhaps a lifetime goal, but over time, the more I practice and seek to understand, the better I will become at each of these skills. There is no need to hide from one’s emotions, and to do so may cause far greater harm in the long run. Yes, it is a bit more challenging and harder to face one’s emotions and process them in a healthy manner, but I think in the end, it is worth the effort. You are healthier and more whole because of it.
I wrote this in my livejournal post, and thought it would be appropriate to post here since it is a very good definition of who I am:
Come, friend, sit down at the fire with me. Let us drink tea and talk.
Oh, you wish for an introduction?
I am a bit of a mystery. The road I walk is rarely traveled, yet it takes me through groves of trees, over wind-swept seas, across searing deserts, to the highland steppes, and there at the peak of the highest mountains, I spread my wings to fly. Fly to the stars, to where dreams come true.
Only to fall back to reality – to the knowledge that our world is often harsh and cruel and to fight against the hate inherent in our world is exhausting. I am a determined individual, who refuses to give up the notion of love and forgiveness and peace. My optimism tells me there is always hope, even if that hope is frail and the light is weak. It takes some energy to give the light greater strength, so it can burn brighter to break apart the hatred surrounding it.
This is not enough, you say. So you ask, who am I?
I am many things.
I am a student,
a possible lover.
I am spiritual;
I am gay;
I am an introvert;
I am androgynous;
I am introspective;
I am peaceful;
I am compassionate;
I am optimistic;
I am a writer;
I am a scientist;
I am a poet;
I am a musician;
I am a composer;
I am a good-listener;
I am emotional;
I am rational;
I am logical;
I am an intellectual;
I am empathetic;
I am a survivor;
I am flawed;
I am a human being.
This is all aspects of me, but there is always more to me than meets the eye. Come, and drink tea with me, for what you hear here is only a small sliver of who I am. To truly know a person, takes an eternity.
Each of us has a story to tell. The way in which we tell our stories is crucial to who we are; for those who have experienced a great many sad and painful events, telling their story can be extremely hard. Our culture is not very welcoming to those who experience suffering. Often our culture seeks to hide suffering underneath a false facade, an illusion that the suffering isn’t happening and that the world is good. This is a false and damaging way to face suffering.
Everyone experiences some suffering in life, the degree of suffering isn’t something that is easily calculated, for how we react to suffering depends entirely on the individual. We all have a different set of tolerances to suffering as well as different personalities, world-views, spirituality or no spirituality, genetics, and hormonal balances. Each of these plays a role in our we react and deal with suffering.
When another person is suffering, our culture often avoids that person, deals with them sparingly, and does not offer help or consolation. It is far rarer to see someone reach out to those in pain – whether it be physical injuries due to abuse or an accident or emotional pain from various types of trauma or even pain from discrimination and hate – than it is to see someone turn and walk away. Hiding one’s suffering is often a way for an individual to feel protected, less vulnerable, but it also can create a feeling of being alone, increasing the likelihood of depression and possibly even suicide.
Suffering isn’t something to be ignored or discounted, for to do so is to leave vulnerable individuals in a downward spiral. Some may cope reasonably well with suffering, others may fall into a deep depression, and still others may even go so far as to consider a way to end their suffering permanently. Each of these are viable reactions to the various types of suffering.
It is my hope that someday we will live in a culture that does not run from the hard topics in life such as suffering. Dealing and coping with our own suffering can be a challenge, but help from others often increases the health and well-being of that individual as well as providing support in a time of need.
How can you help someone who is suffering? First be reaching out. By being a friend, and letting that person know that you are there for them. Ask them what kind of support they may need, and let them know that they can talk with you in private with the confidence that you will be confidential about their suffering. If needed and if the person is open to this, offer them other resources depending on their needs.
Sometimes a person may need a hug or just someone to listen to them without giving advice or criticism. Other times they may wish to just have a fun time doing an activity both of you enjoy. Offering this support will greatly help your friend in need and give them a boost of hope as well as the knowledge that they are not alone in their suffering and people do care for them. Such truths are essential to those who suffer, for it helps them pass through this suffering, to heal, and regain their confidence and/or happiness in life and themselves.
In my links page, I included some resources for those in need.
If asked, I may write a more detailed article on how to offer support. I also hope to update my resources page with more links on providing support for those in need and how to obtain support if you are suffering for any reason. Feel free to check regularly!
Our thoughts often effect how we perceive our surroundings, ourselves, and our emotions. If we are convinced that our creativity is blocked and dry, then it will remain blocked and dry. We will be unable to create and will feel powerless and trapped. However, it is not life itself that has trapped us, nor our experiences, it is our own negative thoughts that create the shackles of our jail.
To escape this pattern of negativity, we must take each negative thought and place a positive thought next to it. A positive thought that is rational and logically debunks the negative thought. We must believe that we are wild and free, that we are not shackled and trapped but alive and full of ideas. These positive thoughts must be kept strong, and we must think them and believe them over the negative ones. It takes time to un-condition ourselves from negative, debilitating thoughts, but we must do this in order to destroy the jail cell we have created for ourselves.
Every single person has the potential for creativity. However, for whatever reason, we let negative thoughts overcome our potential. Many of these negative thoughts may come from our surroundings or what we have been taught, but it is us that perpetuate the thoughts. We start to believe these negative notions that we are not good enough for this or that. That we have no creativity, that we are meant to just live like a drone and nothing else. We become trapped in our shackles, unable to see the beauty of ourselves and our world because our negativity has blinded us.
It takes time and energy to overcome negativity and replace it with a more positive attitude and thought process, but in the end it is worth this struggle. For when we cast away our shackles and step free of our self-imposed jail cells, we see ourselves for what we truly are: people who hold great potential; people who are strong and full of life and energy.
We must not let ourselves fall prey to negativity and lose sight of who we are. The seeds of creativity is still within each of us, but such seeds need nurturing in order to grow and blossom and bear fruit. Negativity is like a pestilence that comes to destroy those seeds, but we must not let this happen, for if we do, we lose a part of ourself. We lose sight of who we are, and we become lost in this mire of negativity, hopelessness.
There is always hope. To live a life of hope is to live life with a positive outlook and attitude. Yes, there is much about this world that is negative and depressing, and it may seem hopeless, but if we give up the fight now, we will lose what we hold dear just as much as we lose ourselves in the process. What is right and good in this world does not come to us easily, especially when negativity is mired into society’s very fabric. No, we must fight for what is good and right, and we must do so with a positive attitude and thought process, so we can hold true to ourselves. When we are true to who we are, we are able to find an inner strength that we may not realize we had.
But how do you discover who you truly are? That requires much introspection, an understanding of your needs and wants and hopes and dreams as well as a respect for yourself and your needs.
We are complex human beings, and our thoughts can be quite powerful in determining who we are and where we stand in life. Often we lose sight of this and allow other people to determine who we are. When this happens, we have lost touch with ourselves entirely, and finding ourselves again becomes a fight so hard that many cannot bear it. So they continue to let others determine who they are. It is often a sad reality.
All of us are creative; we all have that potential. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. This is a truth we must hold onto despite the negativity that often dominates this world. If we do not understand or love ourselves, then how can we even hope to love or understand others?
Life took an unexpected and painful turn and so updates to this blog was stalled for a few weeks. My grandmother died, and this effected me deeply. I am still grieving her.
I’ve also come to some harsh realizations. It doesn’t matter how much I love someone; that love is never enough. If a person can change their mind about their own feelings for another person, then who is to say it won’t happen again and again? Wishing to be with such a person would be disastrous for my heart. I am already fragile, and I love far too deeply. Love isn’t enough to conquer this currently, yet ceasing to love someone, who is often nice and kind despite changing their mind here and there, is something I just can’t do. Love isn’t something I fully control; it is just there; it exists. It has faded somewhat, but it doesn’t go away. So the pain that accompanies it still exists as well, just to a slightly lesser degree since one can process pain to some extent.
How one interprets love is different for every person. There is no right or wrong way to interpret our feelings for another person, but at the same time, it isn’t healthy to not try to discern what feelings we do have for another person. Our emotions do influence us, no matter how hard some of us may wish to dispose of them or push them further inside of ourselves. However, the degree to which we feel them is different for each person. Some feel emotions intensely, some are a bit more detached from their emotions, but in either case, the emotions are still felt to some degree – whether it is intensely or detached. You cannot separate emotions from humanity, and if you try, you cease to have expression, you cease to have personality, and you cease to be truly human.
Emotions isn’t the only trait that makes us human. Our logic and reasoning also gives us our humanity, but it is our emotions, and our ability to love deeply or hate deeply or even fear deeply that gives us an edge, a stronger personality, a more definite complexity that animals and plants cannot ever truly have. Our logic and reasoning allows us to process our feelings, to exert some control over them, and to not be bound by our emotions. Animals do not have such a luxury, and so they are not like us in that degree.
Emotions can be quite powerful, and so some people may try to hide from them to avoid dealing with what emotions they have and what those emotions mean. Why? Because sometimes emotions, especially negative ones, force us to face harsh and painful truths about ourselves, our world, and/or those around us. Sometimes we don’t want to face such truths, but we cannot fully avoid the emotions that bring it to our attention, even if we have developed concise control over them. Yet, the more we put this off, the stronger and more painful such things often become until we cannot face them at all, for if we do, we are destroyed by it. Does that mean we should try anyway? To walk through that fire? Not necessarily. Sometimes its better to just let go and move forward, letting the past be the past, and embracing the moment. Sometimes, that’s all you can do in life.
I’ve written of empathy before in this blog. Lately, I’ve reflected on how important empathy is in our lives, and how it can be misused. All emotions can be misused to some extent, but empathy misused can often be more disastrous. Why? Because empathy requires you to not just listen with sympathy; it requires you to understand another person on a deeper level. You have to dig deeply to understand a person’s thoughts, motivations, hopes, desires, and empathy does this.
How can it be misused? Take for example a transgender girl, who is brutally raped. The jury empathizes not with the victim, but with the attacker, and thus the attacker walks away with only a minor fine as the victim is in fear, knowing her attacker is still on the streets. This misuse of empathy, where the jury seeks to understand why the attacker brutalized this girl, is horribly destructive because it destroys the hope and spirit of the girl, who was victimized. Instead of trying to empathize with the girl and seeking to help her recover and stop this man from doing this terrible deed to someone else, the jury instead, using empathy, comes to understand the twisted reasoning of the attacker, and rallies against the girl. The girl, having lost her allies in the courtroom, is now alienated and ridiculed. She is left even more broken than before, but now her wounds aren’t just physical but also a deep wound on her spirit and mental wellness.
That is empathy gone horribly, horribly wrong, and in all honesty, one may say that empathy twisted to such a horrendous extreme has ceased to be true empathy, and has become instead a tool for destruction. Why empathize with someone different from you when it is easier to instead turn against them and destroy them so they no longer cause discomfort for you, making you rethink your thoughts on issues? There are many in our society today who have no wish to think anymore than they have to and so resent any who upset their carefully constructed view of reality. They have carefully fit what they see of the world into categories, but the world is too complex to be held within the confines of a box. There will be many a moment where a person’s rigid view of reality will be challenged. If you cannot let go of your old worldview, grow and create a new view of reality, then you become trapped and susceptible to warping emotions like empathy in order to destroy anything that challenges your rigid worldview.
In order to grow, you must be willing to change, and changing often involves letting go of ideas that entrap you and restrict growth. When your worldview begins to destroy others, then your worldview needs to be scrapped and created a new.
Life is precious; it does not last forever. To seek to destroy others and/or allow or urge others to do the same in order for you to live in what you consider a “safe reality,” that is when you cease to love. Love cannot exist with destruction, because when those two are coupled together, that is when love is twisted into a monstrous form that has no relation to its pure counterpart. In such an instance, love becomes fear and destruction and so ceases to be love.
Love cannot exist without empathy, but at the same time, it is far more than just empathy. Love requires you to seek to understand your partner on the most intimate level possible, and to continue to love them with kindness and gentleness, even when you and your partner have gone that deep. Love requires maintenance in order for it to stay healthy and continue to grow, and empathy is a tool in that maintenance. Love is a mode of attachment to another person at your most intimate level, but to maintain that attachment and build room for growth, you need empathy, honesty, and good communication.
This truth is often forgotten in our society today, where empathy is downplayed because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability, honesty, and work.