Life took an unexpected and painful turn and so updates to this blog was stalled for a few weeks. My grandmother died, and this effected me deeply. I am still grieving her.
I’ve also come to some harsh realizations. It doesn’t matter how much I love someone; that love is never enough. If a person can change their mind about their own feelings for another person, then who is to say it won’t happen again and again? Wishing to be with such a person would be disastrous for my heart. I am already fragile, and I love far too deeply. Love isn’t enough to conquer this currently, yet ceasing to love someone, who is often nice and kind despite changing their mind here and there, is something I just can’t do. Love isn’t something I fully control; it is just there; it exists. It has faded somewhat, but it doesn’t go away. So the pain that accompanies it still exists as well, just to a slightly lesser degree since one can process pain to some extent.
How one interprets love is different for every person. There is no right or wrong way to interpret our feelings for another person, but at the same time, it isn’t healthy to not try to discern what feelings we do have for another person. Our emotions do influence us, no matter how hard some of us may wish to dispose of them or push them further inside of ourselves. However, the degree to which we feel them is different for each person. Some feel emotions intensely, some are a bit more detached from their emotions, but in either case, the emotions are still felt to some degree – whether it is intensely or detached. You cannot separate emotions from humanity, and if you try, you cease to have expression, you cease to have personality, and you cease to be truly human.
Emotions isn’t the only trait that makes us human. Our logic and reasoning also gives us our humanity, but it is our emotions, and our ability to love deeply or hate deeply or even fear deeply that gives us an edge, a stronger personality, a more definite complexity that animals and plants cannot ever truly have. Our logic and reasoning allows us to process our feelings, to exert some control over them, and to not be bound by our emotions. Animals do not have such a luxury, and so they are not like us in that degree.
Emotions can be quite powerful, and so some people may try to hide from them to avoid dealing with what emotions they have and what those emotions mean. Why? Because sometimes emotions, especially negative ones, force us to face harsh and painful truths about ourselves, our world, and/or those around us. Sometimes we don’t want to face such truths, but we cannot fully avoid the emotions that bring it to our attention, even if we have developed concise control over them. Yet, the more we put this off, the stronger and more painful such things often become until we cannot face them at all, for if we do, we are destroyed by it. Does that mean we should try anyway? To walk through that fire? Not necessarily. Sometimes its better to just let go and move forward, letting the past be the past, and embracing the moment. Sometimes, that’s all you can do in life.